Why are we all so squeamish about eating doggies?

As the title suggests, the following post contains both distressing images and some controversial points of view, which are not necessarily in line with my own, but exaggerated to make a point. You have been warned, and there is little point in reading something just to get offended and upset. Indeed, if this upsets you, why not use that upset, and donate to PETA, or decide to eat less and better sourced meat? Still not discouraged? Read away.

Last week there was a documentary on Channel 4, about the market for kidnapped dogs sold for meat in Vietnam. Having spent a week in Hanoi, eating delicious meat from roadside stalls and such, this turned up the worrying thought that maybe… just maybe… that wasn’t beef.

My wife’s reaction to this was (quite rightly, when you see the conditions they are kept in) revulsion and horror. About 75% of mine was too, for I am human, but there was a part of me that was a little thrilled to think I might have tried this forbidden meat*. Not in the manner they had been treated here, but still- what would it taste like, what would it go well with?

Are you disgusted by this? Horrified? Let me ask you a question.

Would you eat hand reared, organic, free range, humanely slaughtered dog?

If I said that this was beef, you'd totally want it
If I said that this was beef, you’d totally want it

Or indeed horse, hamster, budgie etc. Why not? Other than their advantages in being easy to rear, and their producing a large amount of meat, why do some animals deserve to be raised for slaughter over any others?

There are some very good arguments against the “If I can eat x, why can’t I eat y?” school of argument, based on dogs being a friend to man, more than any other animal, but this still seems a rank appeal to unreliable emotion. Emotion that they exploit- dogs are social parasites, and they learn to make expressions purely to avoid punishment. When it looks at you like it’s sorry after shitting on your carpet? It’s as instinctive a reaction as it biting you.

South East Asia has a lot of wild dogs. I know this, I’ve been chased by one of the feral bastards. Surely encouraging a legitimate trade in their meat would be a good way to make the streets safer. Legitimising it means that rules can be set for the trade in dog meat. You would be able to ensure that the dogs are well, indeed better, cared for than they are at present, and somewhat tamer than the rabid fleabag that tried to steal my toastie. So we could improve their welfare, instead of looking on and saying- ooh that’s terrible and doing nothing.

imagesCA12KDG3

It is also hilarious that as rational people, we can see the silliness of Islamo-Hasidic swinophobia, or the Hindu deification of the bovine, and yet continue on with our own hilariously deluded views.

I understand vegetarians being justifiably angry about dog eating, but if you eat meat, and doubly so if you save money by buying plumped, battery farmed meat from your nearest supermarket, then you’re essentially saying your whole justification for this practice stands on a whim.

I was going to mention the horsemeat scandal more but that’s not even an issue to me- I like to know what I’m eating, and sometimes, I want to eat horse or donkey, both of which are very pleasant.

So to conclude, I can think of only one reason not to eat dog meat. Given the relative fitness and fat content of your average dog, it’s likely to be fairly dry and stringy. This would apply doubly so for cats. If you have to do it, for God’s sake slow cook the thing and baste.

* Also, I am totally a cat person. Dogs are retarded wolves, an experiment in inbreeding that has resulted in these cute looking, but stupid animals polluting our parks with their fecal matter. Also, I had to clean up dog sick this past weekend, so my dislike of canines is particularly pronounced at the moment. Fucking nightmares.

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