Dear Coca-Cola corporation,
You are not my friend. Real friends don’t make me pay them for their company. That’s actually somewhat more akin to prostitution, except somehow even more depressing. I know you’re trying really hard. And I am sure you have spent a lot of time thinking about how to try and make me love you back, but frankly, everything you do is a little creepy. Using my name on your packaging, that’s just a bit sinister. I mean, I’m a 30 year old man child, and you’re a century old syrup manufacturer and unethical corporation. It’s beyond Spring-Autumn here, I think you might be a paedophile.
And the people you hang out with are worse, your old chum Innocent Smoothies (who you own 20% of) are always giving it all that, with their wacky sayings and quirkiness. “Hey, how’s it going, I contain 93 blueberries, which I squished with my pinkie finger, whoop-de-dee”. Let me lay this out there as plainly as I can. Not just aimed at you, but anyone who talks like this is a massive cuntwit. Even if you weren’t just a company, and should therefore just drop the anthropomorphic bullshit and just be a product that I can drink, even if you were actually a physical human being, with arms and legs and genitalia of some kind, you’d still be incredibly irritating.
And the bobble hats are annoying too. I know it raises money for charity, and so I should probably lay off (although does the amount you raise balance out the harm you cause to the world? I doubt it) but it comes across to me as desperate for attention and needy. Nobody wants their smoothies to taste of neediness do they?
It’s not just you guys either. Pret a Manger, Wagamama, Nandos, and pretty much every health food brand of the last five years, I don’t want you to be my friend either.
Let me lay out what I want from a company. You make a thing, you put the thing in some recyclable packaging, I buy the thing. You make money, I get a thing to use. Even if you tell me I’m your bestest friend since your imaginary childhood friend, Mr Pickle, I am not going to emotionally invest in your brand anymore. Make the product good, and I will keep coming back to you. And that’s the closest we’ll ever come to friendship.
It is you, it’s not me,